Since last saturday, i think it was Oct. 23, nagpa- psychotherapy ako. I knew something was wrong with me. Thoughts are messed up and I can’t decide on things to do. Nag-build up siguro yung stress at pressure both sa studies at sa house.
Then, my psychotherapist learned of the things I have long buried in my memories. Kelangan ko na daw harapin ang takot ko. But I don’t want to. I can’t.
I don’t know if its the fear or the pressure sa katawan ko made by our badminton (yeah, part of the therapy), but my body gave up the next day. At ayaw na mag-isip ng utak ko, (actually nag-iisip siya, pinipigilan ko lang..hehe).
Iniisip ko kung anu pa bang dapat kong sabihin, bakit kailangan ko pang gawin, tinapos ko na din naman lahat ‘yun para sa kanya. Wala ng point pa para mag-usap di ba?
Pero naisip ko, ang takot talaga hinaharap. Sabi nga ng therapist ko, habambuhay ko itong dadalhin.
So I texted him. I’m just waiting for the response.
* * * * *
Matapos sabihin sa akin ng therapist ko ang dapat kong gawin, there’s this one dream that I can’t help but to remember. Here it goes..
Naglalakad ako sa may likod ng campus. May isang gate, I think it was white, a bagua was hanging in the middle. Kelangan daw pumasok sa isang room, kind of portal to another place. But I was scared to go there again.
He was there, he saw my anxiety, hold my right hand and told me,
“wag ka matakot, nandito lang ako.”
And we went there together…
* * * * *
Yesterday was a really bad day ‘coz last night before I close my eyes, I’ve realized that there are tons of things I feared. Lots of decisions I had made but not for myself. As if I live my life for others’ sake.
Super bad trip ako, pagod na pagod na akong ganito. Pabalik-balik na lang, walang nakikinig. (At madaming magsasabi na andyan sila pero sooner or later mawawala na..).
I took 5 pills, 2 500 mg and 2 capsules, and another small tablet that have a long name (‘di ko alam kung para saan). What’s funny is that I waited all day to die then I realized the 2 tablets were paracetamol and the capsules are amoxicillin. That’s why I’m not dead yet! ahaha…
Yeah, but I still feel weird. Nasusuka ako pero walang lumalabas…
And I did not see my therapist for 2 days…