I’m Not Scared


Something is wrong.

From the moment I opened my eyes, I felt it. Something is off.

My phone buzzed beside me forcing me to wake up. I hit the SNOOZE button. But before I close my eyes, it buzzed again. That was weird.

I went to normal routine but with an unusual feeling. Like I am floating. It was the first time I’ve felt this. Other days I feel heavy, like I don’t want to wake up. Other times I feel like a zombie, light headed and irritable. But this time, I feel like nothing. Like everything does not exist. Like I am being manipulated to do what I normally do.

That went on throughout the day. During commute I watched if others are okay. It seemed normal. I looked to the Jeepney’s side mirror and saw this man in his 30’s staring at me. I looked at where he actually sits, not through the reflection, but he is looking not at my direction. I looked at the mirror again, he is still staring. He could not see me looking at him either way, I’m wearing shades.

Maybe I’m the only one feeling this. Everybody seems alright. Seems normal.

I have never been lost, anywhere. But maybe this is how it feels like. Being lost. Not in a particular place but in a different world.

I can’t help but to think, if there is a parallel universe, maybe we have swapped souls, we just don’t know it.

As the day turns into night, I felt more and more afraid, without reason. That’s the hardest part. How can you blame something if you don’t know what it is?

My wandering mind, always curious, told me: What if you are going to die? Maybe this is how dying people feel before death caught up with them. Before they see the blinding light and loud crash, the sudden stab of pain or slit of throat. Or simply, last beat of the heart.

As I was walking, I felt an itch in my left foot. I ignored it until the itch became unbearable.

I checked my sole (Haha. Sole. like soul. Checked my soul.. 😀 ) and there was so much blood! It was not an itch, it was a cut!!

I looked for a place where I could sit down to further see the cut. It seems like a blade cut through it. I checked my shoes, worn out leather shoes. No cuts, no blades, no hard anything. The eff? Where did this came from?

I pulled out a piece of tissue paper from my bag (I always bring tissue paper) and sanitizer (and sanitizer. Hehe). It was before I dabbed my skin that it registered to my mind, the blood formed a circle, the cut inside it.

I ignored it and wiped it clean. It hurts so much as the sanitizer stings through the cut. I stopped as soon as no blood is visible. After few seconds, blood started to come out again. I applied pressure and act casually, trying hard to convince people that I am okay, I am not afraid, that I am not screaming inside wanting to go home immediately.

Once it felt okay, I brisked walk and rode the jeepney. I played songs in my playlist. Mellow love songs I’ve been listening to for the past days. I did not like the first song so I hit the NEXT button. It was the same song starting all over again. I hit the NEXT button again, same song. For the third time I hit NEXT, it was still the same song. How could this happen to a single song on my playlist, on a shuffle mode? I pressed it again, begging to please go back to normal, all of this. If its the same song again, I will go crazy. Fortunately, it changed. But I was no longer in the mood for mellow songs. I swapped to rock and hip-hop to break the tension. Distract me. Anything.

The songs accompanied me through the agonizing traffic. Let me go home please.

Different scents came rushing through my nose. What is that smell? It seems fish, or garlic? I know what it is but could not pinpoint what it specifically is. I could smell a familiar perfume, was it Human? Or Afficionado? Please let me go home.

Once I entered our house, I felt safe. I told my younger brother and showed him my cut, thinking it was okay. Once I pulled my shoes off, it is again, covered with blood forming a circle. He helped me clean it and made jokes so I will feel okay.

I am okay now. Making myself believe that I was only imagining things. Maybe because of the green tea after lunch. Or coffee late afternoon? Maybe I lacked sleep? Maybe I was paranoid?

But it all started when I opened my eyes.

Maybe… Maybe I did not wake up at all.

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