To My First Love…


Hear me out first.

I was reading my old blog posts when I stumble to the very years I was blogging about you, about us. But there was never really an us, right?

This was several months ago. I tried to dismiss the idea of assessing what I should be feeling. To be frank, I felt torn.

It brought me to the part why it stopped. The singing of birds. Birds, just like what I used to call you.

I was very innocent and ignorant. How funny it is, I had you, my first love, when I was in college. Talk about late bloomer.

It wasn’t that magical, it was scientific. Star city trip with the whole class, sitting beside you at Surf Dance while I scream and cry. Not of terror but of rage to one person. And you laughed, and we seemed drunk. And that night was the start of it all.

You were perfect. Just perfect. Its not right, I know. Nobody could be that perfect, but you were. Only shows how ignorant I am.

You made me feel special, our souls touch through each long stare, content silence, and hugs that mattered. It was all too perfect, all too new, and it made me scared.

I know you tried hard to show me you’ll be there, but my fears were stronger than your love. I was afraid until I pushed you away. Until you grew tired.

We were done even before we start. Was it around, 3 months? Looking back now, it seemed like a wonderful dream.

I did not write this to come back to those times. In fact, I do not know why I am writing this. Perhaps I still not forgive myself. For pushing something so good. I did not even let myself know your flaws. It was too short.

I was still in love with you even after that. I still have dreams of you. It went on for like, 2 years? Silently watching, waiting for the accidental glances. But again, if you approached, I would still resist.

Until the dreams became a blur. Before, there were long walks, my head on your shoulders. Day after day you became so cold, and you now try to walk the other way once you see me. In those dreams. And we both know why. You and my closest friend became official. The girl who knew how mad I am in love with you.

That was crazy, I wanted to die. But it was long ago. College will be forever crazy. We will laugh about those times for the years to come.

We now have separate lives.

I know you know we tried to see if it will work again, right? Do you remember that night? Was it last year? How time flies.

But we are no longer young like we were before, no longer innocent, we grew apart. We caught up, we laughed, but I felt nothing else. If there was on your side, I’m sorry, there was none for me.

Looking at you now (social media of course), I could see you are really happy. It was so long since I saw you smile like that, genuinely happy.

I wish she would bring you fruits when you are sick. Now, I bring fruits too, to my friends.

That you will serenade her with songs you always sing from your heart with your lovely voice. I’ve met a lot of ugly voices, all of them beautifully singing from their souls.

That in every stare you show her you love her, you make her feel, and if needed, you tell her.

I would like to say I am in the same situation as you are right now. But you know me, one time big time.

If I hadn’t met you, I believe I would not know that I am in love. And I am right now. Madly in love. But he doesn’t know. And I like to think that it doesn’t matter. I was in love with you before and the universe conspired to bring us together. It would not happen again. If it does, well, it seems I won the lottery and a free dinosaur! Haha. Its impossible. But if it does, very little chance that it does happen, I will never let it go again. I spent enough time to fantasize, might as well make it come true 🙂

I always believe people meet for a specific reason, and I’ve met you to let me know the wonderful feeling, this amazing stage in life. This moment that could not be described by words alone.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I am genuinely happy that you are very happy. I am and I know I will be more happy someday.

I now forgive myself for all my faults. I hope you’ve forgiven me though I know its so long ago. Still, I am truly sorry.

And to remind you of our promise, we will invite each other to witness the exchange of vows, remember? 🙂

So Tweet-tweet, my cupcake, soar high and fly!

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. alexander
    Apr 12, 2015 @ 01:35:18

    just as I suspected, ibon! 🙂 don’t worry, i haven’t read everything.. but maybe I will, i can’t sleep eh.

    Like

    Reply

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