Its horrifying how a short event can change your life.
How one person can make you long for more.
I can see her face everywhere. Not in a horror movie or creepy kind of way.
I will see a girl looking away from me, same hair as hers. Maybe same clothes as the first and last time I see her, and I would feel easily excited.That this time I might see her again.
But whenever that girl turns around, it’s not her. Every time.
I would walk and came across some girl resembling her face. But looking closely, they never had the same features.
I would lie at night having trouble sleeping thinking of her.
And waking up tired but hoping a new day is chance to see her again.
But we only met once.
She was alluring in a simple kind of way. Dressed in a plain purple button down blouse, blue jeans and black fur boots. She had an aura that says ‘don’t mess with me’. That telling her a joke is a flat move as she will always know the outcome. That one small thing of getting her mad will bring out the bitch in her.
But as soon as we started talking, she was different else entirely. She makes very corny jokes and laugh at my experiences that no other girl laughed before. She’s easy to talk to, no awkward silence. Topics easily flow without effort at all. Minutes pass and we seem to know each other long time ago.
She asked me of my failed relationships, my rants on why other girls are hard to talk to and basically hard to understand. That my looks as humbly as I could tell her, does not mean I am gay (a lot of girls would say).
She would be silent for a long time just staring at me. I will stop, suddenly, afraid I said something to upset her.
“Did I say something wrong?”, I asked.
“No. You’re just very talkative”, she answered.
“I-I’m sorry. I’m just caught up with my stories”, I explained hoping she would not leave me.
“It’s okay. I just think sometimes, you should be forced to shut up,” she said and I felt terrible for being insensitive.
I realized she meant another thing when she held my face and kissed me hard. I opened my eyes gasping for air, confused.
“Go on. Please continue your story..”, she said smiling as if nothing happened.
We spent hours talking (or me talking) continuously interrupted by her kisses.
I never met anyone same as this girl.
All the memories came flooding back 3 months after we met.
I don’t know what happened. It seems like she was a distant memory, a wonderful dream that fades every day as the reality of life dragged me.
That’s when I started seeing her. It seems all the things I see reminds me of her. The food we ate, the stories we shared.
When I’m by myself, I wanted to voice out my thoughts, hoping she would turn up and kiss me just for me to shut up.
Then I remember she said “Call me”, before we go our separate ways. And that’s just what I did. Hoping this bewitching will end.
She looks more attractive than the last time.
Looking at her again is like a lifetime of waiting paid off. I can’t take my eyes off her.
“What happened to you?”, she asked as she kissed my cheeks. I blushed. I told her I’ve been busy. She smiled and said she understand.
We caught up with events. Once again like knowing a long lost friend. I waited for the perfect time to explain myself. I wanted to ask her if she did something to me as I cant’ seem to erase her out of my head.
“Now what really happened?,” she suddenly asks. My thoughts came back to the present.
“W-what?,” I cleared my throat.
“What happened dear? You’re going to tell me something,” her face in all seriousness. Like the first time I saw her. Her no-bullshit aura.
“Well, I.. I have a girlfriend,” I confessed.
I expected she will scream bloody murder or slap me. Cause a scene, I don’t know. It’s my fault, really. I lied. But her reaction did not change.
She just stared at me.
“You had a girlfriend before, during, or after we met?”, she asked.
I’m terrified now. Clearly this was a mistake. I should have asked her first if she did something to me. With her being mad, I doubt if she will give me answers.
“Well?,” she asked again. I stared down. Will I tell her? God, help me. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to run but I made up my mind to finish this. To end my suffering, my longing for her.
I set my eyes to her lovely face, she was smiling. “I-I.. uhm..,” I can’t stop staring at her smiling face.
She held my face gently, I wanted to break down and hug her tight. To tell her I’m really really sorry. But I can’t move.
“It’s all right, darling”, she spoke sweetly and kissed me hard.
Darling. Just like in my dreams. She never called me darling before, only in dreams. And only now.
As if waking up from a trance, I blinked. With two empty drinks in front of me and nothing else.
She was gone.
Together with my dreams. My longing.
I continued living with my life, continued my relationship with my girlfriend. I don’t see her face anymore. I don’t easily remember the things we talked about. But every time I close my eyes, I will remember her smile.
Compared to all the things I have now, she is all I wanted. I know this now. I tried calling her again and again but she wouldn’t answer.
Its funny how we always want the things we can never have.