Before I Go…

If you’re reading this, I made it through, I made it alive.

I am writing this on a swaying ship that was supposed to leave Abra de ilog (Mindoro Oriental) at 10pm, but left a little before midnight.

These are my thoughts as the large waves crashes to our ship, as everyone resorted to sleeping or pretending to sleep.

One baby started crying before we left the dock, I even said, “Oh baby, why are you crying? Don’t cry”. Not knowing a little while after, it might be an omen. I belive in those things. How could I not, the vehicle stopped and would not start seconds before my pet passed away while we rush her to the hospital. Now I’m screaming in my head, “please no, no” as the waves grow crazier. My ponytail broke.

I remember we were so pissed that the ship left at this time, we won’t have enough sleep to go to work as the sun rises. Now I’m worried if I will ever see the sun again.

A lady went down the ground floor where the vehicles were (were at the second level) and shrieked repeatedly. I could not understand what she was trying to say, but her repeated screams sent shivers to everyone. I grabbed my seatmate, a girl I only met 4 days ago as my close friend invited me to join their travel group. as she was the only one I could hang on to, she said it’s okay and held my hand as she goes to sleep, me pinching her everytime the ship makes a sound.

With everyone asleep, I resorted to think of something that will make me feel safer. I put on my headset and shuffle the songs, not caring if its My Chemical Romance, Maroon 5, or even Taylor Swift. Just something to take my mind off the sounds, the rattling windows, all the sleeping people. Why are they not afraid? Why did they decide to go to freaking sleep??

I grabbed my handbag, pulled my social security ID and secured it in my back pocket. Timing is a bitch, I’ll start my swimming lessons next month, there’s no life vest in sight. Might as well be recognized once my body floats.

Another bump. I don’t understand why ships encounter bumps, there are no humps here. For the many times I travelled across the many islands of the Philippines, this is the only trip I encountered bumps.

Please, God.

I do not plan to sleep once we made it home. I’m not sure if I will have sleep on the folloeing nights as well. I’m afraid of the future, what if I develop a phobia of something I like? I know I won’t even remember the exact events, but its the feelings that are hard to forget. I hope everytime I stepped in a ship, I won’t feel paranoid. I wish my future self will be much stronger.

But what I wish greatly is I to still have a future. The ship is rocking side to side now. I keep pulling my hair, tying it with another rubber band, and pulling it again. Signal is okay but I don’t want to tell my family, I don’t want to say goodbye.

I still hope I’ll make it. Even if the odds are saying otherwise.

The ocean is so majestic, it also is a beast ready to take anyone anytime.

If you’re reading this, I made it through. I made it alive.




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