Whatever Wednesday

On Patterns: The Road to Self Awareness and Maturity


Welcome to Whatever Wednesday! I write anything under the sun during Wednesdays! Again, it’s Thursday. Apologies, internet issues. T_T

 

I asked someone over 3000 miles away, “Do you believe in patterns? There are certain situations in your life that oddly repeats and you know it still does.”

Individual patters – no not routines. When you know someone enough, you’ll see how he process a concept, how he take actions in his own style, how he makes mistakes and repeat it again and again like its imprinted on his soul.

And i you’re observant enough, you’d see that some people have the same pattern. Though they look nothing alike, they decide like the same person.

Life patterns – when one event keeps on happening with no explanations why. A problem you ended but will sprout carrying a heavier one. One example is attracting toxic people, you promised yourself you know how to distinguished them and not allow another one to enter your life again. But alas, a friend of yours is slowly showing their true color.

Or even social anxiety, traumas, and depression. These bad experiences have a high tendency of recurring – sometimes at a specific time (seasonal) and sometimes with no warning at all.

So make sure you have a shield, a process, a defense if you must. It’s something you might have done before that worked. If it’s a specific person, perhaps confronting them is a good way to solve the problem.

I did this one recently. A friend of mine started being annoying and made life a living hell every minute. Decisions after decisions makes me hate her more. Anger was consuming me to a point where even my insomnia, as bad as it sounds, was getting worse. Imagine sleeping for maximum of 6 hours everyday (with a help of sleeping pills) to merely 3 hours of sleep just because I hate her. It was horrible.

So horrible that when another friend asked me how I was (kids, true friends ask each other how they are. Keep these kinds of people), I broke down and spilled the beans. I can’t control my hatred. Every cell in my body was vibrating in pure anger as I tell her the things that made me angry.

Good thing she is a natural adviser and asked me if I’ve thought about talking to her. With teary eyes, I confessed of thinking this way but kept myself from actually doing it. Because every time I’d look at her, my chest will begin to tighten. I’m back to zero.

“You see, you need to talk to her not because she needs to hear it – because you’re being unfair to yourself. Look at how you’ve become”.

Shit.

I wanted to cry. It’s true. I can’t take another day carrying this weight.

This is new to me – a girl who just block everyone I don’t like. Confrontation? That’s some level of maturity. But I did it.

I was able to say all my points across, maybe why it turned successful is because we both listened. I made a mental list of all the things I hate about her (hey, Heath Ledger movie!) and she let me finish. Afterwards, she told me why she did those things and made me realize why the hate I’m feeling is one sided. If I was in her shoes, I’d do those things too.

And it felt great. We were laughing and joking, we thought we’d cry. Imagine having lunch with me and I opened the conversation by saying, “the reason I asked you out for lunch is because I hate you”. Maybe I should chill a little.

Turned out I was the toxic person for myself.

 

Life patterns is more of a challenge than the previous pattern. Here, you’re all alone. No matter how many people surrounds you and support you, you need to decide alone how you can win this battle.

Depression had been a bitch in my life. Every time I’m having a great series of months feeling happy, it will slap me in the face just to remind me I’m not free – not fully at least.

So I made sure I’d remember how I managed to win the last one over.

And as ironic as it sounds, it was anger.

Anger to prove someone wrong, anger to prove myself wrong. General anger to the world. Whatever kind it is, it was pure rage that made me live another day and not end my life.

Just recently, my rock and my anchor who kept me sane during the crazy moments of depression passed away. He made me promise I won’t do it again. So I tattooed his initial in my wrist, where some marks are still visible if you look close enough.

 

Whatever kind of bad pattern you’re going through, it’s important you recognize it. Because knowing it’s back again is the first step on how to deal with it. Just like everything else in life.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s