Comfortable Silence


We do not need words to communicate. You know you meet someone special when you can sit – in our case, lay down -and not mind the silence.

You look at me with those big brown eyes, your head resting on your arm. I look at you lovingly, half of my face buried in the soft pillow. Please stay longer.

I reached for your face, brush your hair, let you close your eyes and feel it, me unblinking. I traced your lips, inhaling your slow breaths. You’re real to me.

You lean closer and kiss my forehead, kissed my cheek, my nose. You reach for my shaking hand and kissed it too. Say you’ll stay.

You reached for my face knowing all too much. A tear comes rolling down and you wiped it away. Don’t be sad, I’m here – is what you’re saying.

You lean in closer, I closed my eyes as our lips touched and the bed becomes lighter. I opened my eyes to see I’m alone again. But you’re not.

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Love by the Book


A girl asked me if I read, which of course could have been answered by a sarcastic laugh and a long “Duuuuuhhhh?”

I stared at her before answering yes, trying to assess what kind of books she read. “Do you read John Green novels?”, bacause I hate John Green, I wanted to add.

“Oh gosh. I read Fault in our Stars and I wanted to throw the book”, she laughed. “Have you tried reading All the Bright Lights? It’s a very depressing book. I didn’t know what to expect, I caught myself wailing.”

“Yeah, I read something like that. 13 Reasons Why, sure let me dow– wait! You don’t know what to expect? Have you not read the plot?”, I cocked my head.

“No. I don’t read plots.”

WHAT?!

How could you let your emotion be surprised, be shocked with what’s about to happen? Are you even aware that you will invest in this, emotion, imagination, and probably the mood of your whole day? Just — how could you do that?

Aaand I stopped talking, warped inside my head with all these questions. Overthinking things, it’s a lot like love. Everything is a lot like love.

When you read the plot, analyzing the patterns and forming hypothesis on how the story will go, it gives you the chance – the option to decide whether you will give time of your future for this book or find a different one. And once you open the first page, you will begin to understand and anticipate the part that will unveil it all. That page that will make you whisper, “there it is! Ha!”, and will dig your nose closer to the book as the story guides you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love surprises. It’s like you walking at night in a dark street, you know your way and where to go, you just don’t know what’s in the next turn, what’s waiting at the end of the alleyway, the sounds you’ll hear nearby. It is exciting, hell it’s making me feel alive.

But do you not plan to know someone before you decide that you love them? That there are possible issues you need to know to prepare yourself, some are very serious that you have to make your faith stronger.

 

book

 

Who am I to judge right? I loved you before I even knew your name.

 

 

The Day I Dreamed About You


I woke up with a familiar seed of hope, confused, as I am sure I buried our memories deep enough to not give me this false expectation.

After a long time, you were in my dream again.

……

They are going to take me. I waited a long time for this dream to happen again as I declined twice, hesitatant that I am not to leave the waking world yet.

They are getting impatient, they are determined that this time I will go with them willingly.

They are calling me. But before I feel the overwhelming peace I felt upon entering their circle the last time, you showed up.

“I’m going”, I told you with a smile on my face. I cannot bear the pain in the waking world anymore.

“Don’t leave, talk to me..”, your eyes begging me.

Though I wish to go as fast as I could, I sit down. For the last goodbye, I thought.

“It’s too late, I’m coming with th–”

“I was in love with you for 4 weeks, you know..”, like a sudden storm you brought this up.

I can feel the regret, the lingering stares we had, the heartache of realizing it will not progress as I hope it would. I remember thinking of the days where the only thing I want the most is to hold your hand.

“I was in love with you for over a year..”, I finally admitted. Oh, how much I wanted you to know. “Since the first time I saw you.”

There it is again, those eyes trying to read me. And my eyes looking back trying to decode what is going on inside your head.

Why are we talking about this now? Are we going to blame each other for a feeling that neither of us had a courage to admit?

I see them behind you, signaling that it’s time.

“I have to go..”, I stand up wishing I had a chance to hug you in real life.

I never thought such conversation will be painful, even in dreams. But this is the last heartache, I’m glad it was you that I share it with. Someone I never had.

“Don’t.”, you stood up.

“I have to..”, taking my first step.

You lean closer. “For me.. Please, wake up..”

I woke up with a familiar seed of hope, confused, as I am sure I buried our memories deep enough to not give me this false expectation.

After a long time, you were in my dream again.

 

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This Kind of Kiss


It was not the kiss I wanted, but the kiss I know I deserve.

It was slow. Like we’ve waited for this our whole life, every second shall be savored. Every move of your lips whispering, “it’s okay, no need to rush, I’m not going away.”

It was lovely, magical. Your hand holding my face tenderly while mine rests on your chest, trembling.

You kissed me. Stopped. Kissed me. Stopped. You are teaching my heart to breathe. But I am afraid.

It was the kind of kiss happy for this moment. The kiss not rushing to go where others are eager to explore.

No. It was taking its time. It was savoring all of me, my lips, my spirit, my soul.

It was the kind of kiss I’ve been waiting for.

It was the kind of kiss so wonderful, tears came running down my cheeks.

You stopped and wiped it away. “I’ve waited a long time for you.”, you smiled.

I kissed you as if to say, “I know. I know what you mean.”

I woke up with no one beside me. I tried to get up..

I woke up with my alarm buzzing. No one beside me but a full bloom of hope in my heart.

I will find  you.

This time I will never let you go.

Wait for me.

The Scent of Yesterday


He was the last passenger and the vehicle took off. I was happy that we should now be going, I never liked waiting. On anything. Or anyone.

My mind was going through a lot of unnecessary things as it usually does when his perfume hit me. I looked at him, something about the scent made my heartbeat fast, made my mind anxious, made my body feel.. heavy.

I never saw him before, not even a small feeling of knowing. His small eyes behind the dark framed glasses does not look familiar. Those thin lips never tasted mine before, nor ever engaged in a smart conversation.

I do not know what to do. I feel panicky, I feel like crying.

I blink my tears away. Closed my eyes to prevent further embarrassment in this public transportation. Life made me look like a fool a lot of times, not this time again.

Then, it all came back.

Pine Trees

The smell of pine trees, the feel of cold water running down my naked body on an early morning because the heater does not work. My feet walking downhill, slowly running until the tress around me becomes a blur. I wanted to run fast, away but at the same time back to you. I wanted to run faster as if the speed will make this moment stand still, make this mine, make this forever.

“Wait for me..”, you shouted. I remember stopping abruptly, turning around and seeing your face coming closer. How much I wanted to crash my body into yours and cry, to whisper “Why do we do this?”. Instead, I reached out for your hand and smiled.

We strolled around this wonderful escape, knowing tomorrow it will just be a memory.

Everything in my life ends abruptly, like the author thought of a brilliant idea to screw my life up and move on to the next chapter without any explanation.

I opened my eyes as the driver yelled for my stop. I looked at this young stranger beside me, never knowing how wonderful and painful he made my night. Just because of the perfume he was wearing.

I whispered, “Thank you” before I stepped off and face the cold city. You are now just a distant memory, there are street lights instead of pine trees. And no matter how much I try to run, I cannot outrun yesterday.

Juan Miguel Severo : My Longest Short Forever


I had trouble sleeping, and by trouble I mean the meanest among all the troubles.

I took my sleeping aid just as before, promptly a little after 10 in the evening and waited to take its effect, normally about 20 minutes.

But the last time I check the clock, it was past 4 in the morning and my nose is dripping like crazy.

I felt so sick I fell asleep.

It was the longest dream I had.

I was sitting in front of a long white table along with other people looking at different colored chips in front of us. But we were not to play poker, we have big chunks of clay instead. I never understood the game.

What I understand is, I saw my ex facilitating the game and I knew that I had to win. The reason, only those who were really broken before could understand.

I don’t know if I won. I stood up as the game comes to halt and talked to one of the elderly who happens to be a good acquaintance of mine.

You approached us.

Funny, I just liked your page 2 days ago and now you are standing in front of me.

“You know, I tell my friends we are very close, though I only saw you once,” I laughed to cover my lame attempt at flirting.

I then told you the first and last time I saw you, you captured my attention which very hard to catch. Ha.

It was an open mic poetry in one of the little cafe in Makati. You stood out. Of course you do. You’re like May-Pac fight, you were the main event.

You were the first person to make me feel alive with so many emotions by just saying a bunch of words.

“Why didn’t you recite your poem?”, you ask.

“Because I wanted to run away. Because I wanted to cry. Because I wanted…”, I stopped as the sorrow lingers through my words. I never thought I wrote such poem. It was so long ago, years even. About him. But now, he doesn’t matter.

You called my name to bring me out of my trance. “C’mon”, and we went around the place introducing me as your friend.

The longer we go, the closer we were.

I would hug you from behind as you talk and you would not mind.

Sometimes, when I’m talking, you’d put your arms around me and kiss my hair.

The audience tries hard to hide their smiles.

People are starting to settle down.

“Mic test. 1,2,3..”, the announcer echoed these words as we froze in place facing each other.

You’re going to the stage in a couple of minutes, you were the reason why we are all here. You were the main event.

I wanted to tell you good luck, though you clearly don’t need one. You’re always a masterpiece.

I wanted to tell you that I’m afraid you might forget me.

But hey, it was a great time being a public figure’s friend at least for a short minute 🙂

And I’m used to being forgotten anyway.

I looked up as you came closer. I gave a faint smile.

I still couldn’t make a sound.

I held on for your shirt tightly, I know you’ll get it. The strong connection we had right away. It was very rare for me.

Then you kissed me with full passion that I could not put into words.

I could only describe it as: the way I always wanted to be kissed.

Then you stopped abruptly, leaving me confused.

You ran to your paper and wrote vigorously, your poem.

And, you’re crying?

You sat down not saying a word. I was left alone standing in the same spot staring at you wide eyed.

“The more like this have, the sexier you are..”, you said as they started to introduce you. What does that mean?

You were sweating and nearly in tears like you were reciting your poems.

But you’re not.

Are you nervous? You were never nervous.

“You are so sexy, so amazing. Don’t waste it on…”, I could not hear the last word over the loud voice of the announcer. “Make an action, create your move…” The audience applauded as the announcer finally said your name.

You stood up and walked past me, battle face and ready.

“Once again, please welcome, Juan Miguel Severo!”, the announcer boomed over the mic and I opened my eyes in the real world.

Its now few minutes past 9 in the morning. I was asleep for only 4 hours.

Tears washed any lingering memories of those moments. I know I can’t just swim back to you. It’s impossible.

Once again, I’m left with the harsh reality that only I could remember what happened. That I am cursed to feel the love that was only in my dreams.

It happened before, and it happened again.

We actually do meet in dreams, share the exact moments, but only few can remember after they wake up.

I was right. After all the applause, you will forget me for you will wake up.

And just like I said, it’s great to be friends with a public figure.

It’s beyond words to be loved in those short moments.

And to be kissed the way I always wanted even only in dreams.

That I have lived happily in my longest short forever.

Juan Miguel Severo

(P.S. A tribute to Juan Miguel Severo, Artist, Singer, Poet. Great talent pushed past my consciousness and into my dreams. Haha)

Time


Eternity: a moment standing still forever.

I always loved our eternity.

Through your smile I saw the innovation of humanity, through your kisses I felt the gush of strong wind as it takes me to the skies.

Every touch is a memory lost but thousand-folds of new memories flooding in. Goose bumps of every sunset and catching of breath is our every evening together.

How lovely we witnessed our little angels grow and shine others with their amazing lights as we walk hand in hand, its just the tow of us again.

Your sparkling eyes, millions of stars among other galaxies that I wanted to capture. And I did. They were the first things I see upon waking up and the last before closing them.

As we take our last breath side by side, I was happy to spend my little eternity with you.

And as I open them we were young again.

We showered, changed our clothes and share a sweet kiss. I pull you in, never wanting to end this. You obliged and pull me closer. Our tongues fighting to have this eternity again as a tear escapes my eyes.

We pull apart and you wiped them away. “Can we stay?,” I plead.

You smile but your sad eyes betray you. “Until we meet again.”

And you left me with only the memories of our eternity.

Time is immemorial. This cruel world is only measured by a thing called “hour”.

And our eternity is just a few of that.

HH

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