Happiness and The Lost Puppy


Happiness walked happily, despite the Genie’s absence – the only person that could make her happy.

 

“Everyone is relying on my happiness,” Happiness thought. “I should not be sad”, even if her heart is shattering.

 

A tiny bark could be heard once in a while but Happiness thought nothing of it. Now that she thinks about it, the tiny barks has been there even since the Genie was still around.

 

Happiness looked around, something Happiness never did before. Behind her, wagging its tail, is a little white puppy.

 

“Hello?”, Happiness waved. “Have you been following me?”

 

The little puppy happily wagged its tail with much gusto. Unlike the other beings Happiness met, this one is different. Her heart skipped a beat.

 

“You’re not tagging along anymore. You have to leave me too”, Happiness whispered.

 

The little white puppy whimpered and walked towards Happiness. Happiness sat down and hugged him.

 

“Its okay, I’m used to it. I hope you can find your way back”, Happiness smiled with tears streaming down her face.

 

The little white puppy licked her face that made Happiness giggled. “I will be okay”, she said.

 

Happiness hugged the little white puppy until he disappeared. Happiness stayed this way for a moment, her mind and her heart heavy.

 

After a while, Happiness stood up and walked happily.

 

“Everyone is relying on my happiness,” Happiness thought. “I should not be sad”, even if her heart is shattering.

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Day 3: Thank You for the Rain


It has been raining since the day I saw you inside that box. I heard a lot of people complaining on the difficulty to commute and if there’s a storm to be raining this often.

But the rain helped me a lot of times before. To feel calm, to slow down, to embrace whatever it is that I need to feel.

And I like to think you made it rain on these days to help me cope up. You made me remember all our rainy days together, sharing one umbrella – my arms around your waist and you half hugging me.

You always bring your umbrella but you’re “too lazy” to use it. So I have to walk with you until the jeepney stop so you won’t get wet. Every hug before you go I realize you’re just making some sort of excuse to have longer time with me. Or maybe I’m overthinking things.

I’m thankful of our rainy days before and feeling nostalgic of the rainy days these past days.

I miss you so much and there’s nothing I can do but hide my tears under my umbrella.

 

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Day 2: Right Words at the Right Time


While waiting for a jeepney ride, I asked you to tell me anything interesting, that I was bored.

And you always knew the right things to say to make me laugh. You smiled and said, “Grabe ang laki ng boobs ni Tsunade (from Naruto) noh?”, and touched your chest to have a good measure. Hahaha.

You never fail to make everyone around you happy. Goodnight, Floyde.

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Day 1: A New Phobia


I can’t remember when and how I developed my fear of dead people. For a solid horror junkie, I can’t stand to be in one room with a corpse. And you know that.

Hope was the only thing I was holding on to when I received the message. Maybe they were mistaken. Maybe its a cruel joke.

I passed by the spot we last met. Your head on my shoulder, telling me how much you missed me. I laughed and told you I’ll always be here just like the old days.

I can’t help but cry. A little girl saw me and looked concerned. I bowed my head down, maybe they were mistaken.

“Are you ready?”, your cousin asked. It was at this point that I realized I’m no longer afraid of corpses.

As I made my way slowly to the white coffin, I developed a new fear. I’m horribly afraid to look beyond the glass and see your face. Maybe they were mistaken. Or maybe this is a dumb joke.

The first thing I saw was your striped polo, I can’t walk further. Thats your favorite shirt.

Then I saw your thin lips, your long eyelashes, your wide forehead. Hope left me.

I broke down. My tears overflowed. I looked down and look at you again hoping my eyes are tricking me. I closed my eyes hard, pinched myself. Maybe this is a nightmare.

But the hurt inside my heart is real. As real as your body inside that box, looking peaceful.

You told me you’re gonna be busy. I told you its okay, I’ll be here. You can text me or call me when you’re available.

You told me you’ll be busy, you didn’t tell me you’d leave me behind.

2015: I’m Glad It Is Over


Every year is like a new chapter of a book – your life. Sometimes it can be personified as one of your friends, the reliable one or your fr-enemy, it’s up to you.

For me, it’s that one person who made you question your friendship. This was a bad year. How bad? Really really bad.

2015 is the year I cut my long lively hair because I was broken hearted over a facebook post. I knew adding him as a friend is not a good idea.

This is a year that I thought would be my last. I’ve hit depression so low I’ve barricaded myself from all my friends. It was the not usual seasonal kind of sad, nor the teenage rebellious phase, it was real.

I’ve never been so emotionless, so tired. Even the things I loved no longer appeals to me. I can’t read, I can’t eat, I stuffed myself of sleeping pills everyday.

I made excuses not to meet friends, I also made excuses not to have lunch at work. I despised human interaction.

I started asking myself, “What’s the point of all of this?”. I asked internet forums, I even registered to an online counselling. No one can answer me.

It changed one morning as I am taking a bath when I discovered something different. I had a pea sized lump in my right breast.

It surprised me that I did not feel any concern on this new discovery. As any matured adult would do, I went to see our office doctor for a consultation.

Nothing major, maybe I scratched it while I was sleeping. No surprise there, I almost always wake up with new scratch wound anyway.

Few weeks had passed and the lump was getting bigger, swollen, and it started to hurt.

I visited the doctor again and the first thing she asked me was, “do you have a history of breast cancer?”.

I said no, not that I know of.

She endorsed me to see a gynecologist, which in turn endorsed me to have a breast ultrasound. At this point, I can no longer walk for a long time without catching my breath. I completely lost appetite, I was just really tired.

The ultrasound technician (if that’s the right term) was a little bitchy, excuse my french. The first thing she said was, “get your hands up over your head”, I did so and she acted like I am wasting my time.

She stopped and looked at me.

“Do you have a history of breast cancer?”, she asked. I did not answer, this is serious.

“Okay, we’re going to get through this. It will be okay,” a sudden change of attitude? This is really serious.

She then proceeds to show me the monitor. “There are a lot of cysts here, and here, and here..”, her mouse clicking very fast.

“Okay. let’s have the other one.” I thought only the right one. “If the other one is infected, this one is also infected.”

True enough, there were another batch of mouse clicking for the left one. Though it did not swell, it had a lot of cyst inside.

“You will have to come back for another consultation. I will look into this thoroughly, don’t worry”, she said as she closed the door.

I was heavily medicated for the following months. I did not cancel my plans to go out of town on my birthday. I could not travel long enough as  was tired. My friends carry my luggage and was very understanding that I could not participate in any strenuous activities.

My symptoms was that of IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer), it was an aggressive type of cancer that tends to grow and spread quickly in a matter of hours or weeks. You can read more about it here.

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The medication seems to have an effect and I was getting better. I took it as a sign of second chance in life, though I can honestly tell that some days I wanted it to be my escape.

I went home from work one night and saw our youngest dog, Lavagurr, on the floor. Though the other 3 dogs greeted me with the usual high energy, she just bobbed her head and ignore me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She smells terrible. I asked my younger sister to talk to our neighbor to hire his cab to the animal clinic. The fastest he would be back is 7:30pm. It’s already 6:15pm. I declined, I need to be there immediately.

I called her again, she seems to be catching her breath. She’s in pain. I caress her head and told her I’m here.

She stood up, placed her head on my hand for a moment, then walked on the farthest corner of the room.

My mother arrived then, we rushed her to the animal clinic immediately. We could not find a cab as it was rush hour, we had no choice but to ride on a jeepney instead.

There was a point on the way that the vehicle stopped and would not start.As a girl who loves fiction, I’ve read about this kinds of omen a hundred times, yet I refuse to believe it.

We ran and placed her on the steel table. The nurse immediately said, “Ma’am, she’s gone”. He poked her eyes to prove that there’s no life in them.

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I sat down and cried. It’s really different when someone told you it’s gone. It was weird, like a joke gone horribly wrong.
We picked a spot  near the river to bury her. It still felt weird. How could this stiff sticky object be my furry baby a while ago?

I could not move, I could not stop my tears. I felt paralyzed as my mother dig up the dirt for her resting place. I can’t do anything.

We arranged stones to cover her spot, said goodbye and never looked back.

 

One friend told me that a pet dies to save its owner. I do not know how great of a saving I am that my baby have to die.

 

These things brought too much of sadness for this year. The amount of good things that happened cannot surpass the level of sorrow these events have caused.

And I’m glad it will be over.

 

On Christmas day, I received a message I’ve been waiting years to receive:

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I felt free of all the hatred I felt before, I felt all the sadness have ended at that moment and things will be okay again.

The only thought that keeps me going today is: it must be one hell of a bright future to be going through a lot of heartaches.

Moving on… Part 2


The most beautiful person is the one who have been through very dreadful experiences, got out and learned.

One of the most painful experience is heartbreak. I salute all cadets who fought everyday of their life feeling like dying every moment.

I never thought I would feel this agony. Like having a big hole on your chest, very heavy weight upon you that you have to carry everyday.

I want to share not the pain, but the lesson and ways I have learned. To all who could relate, and for the young ones who do not know what to expect.

He was my second and longest relationship. 1 year, 8 months and 21 days. I gamble my image to be with him. He was popular for cheating. He was one of my best friends. I believed he could change and I let myself be the symbol of that bright chance.

Like in a zombie apocalypse, I am the only one who believed. As time passed, evidences float, excuses made, more secrets buried, all on his side. I showed honesty, communication, faith, and clarity. That all will be alright. That if he really wanted to, he could be what we hope he would be.

But he did not want to change. More chances given, more mistakes made. I waited until he sucked my trust empty. Until there was no more love, just anger, rage.

I was welcomed by warm words once again. Sugar coated words and promises too familiar and too repetitive that I recognized them from first breath of his sentences.

Still I gave him one last chance, leave them behind and we will restart. Excuses, excuses. I had enough.

Break up. Heartbreak. Tears.

And now, for the ways to move on, after you have been cheated..

-CRY. The most sane and normal thing to do. Remember all the pain, the regrets, how he should go to hell. All the good memories, you thought you were the only one. Degrade yourself and cry until you are tired. Then just for fun, take a picture of yourself looking really dumb. Believe me, when you move on completely, you will laugh about this moment.

-TAKE COLD SHOWERS. This is a good therapy but should be done with clear mind and enough stamina. While taking cold showers, think of the anger you feel. That person you want to kill (but don’t). Do this everyday if you could. The cold shower will be coordinated with the thought of that person. Are you willing to take the pain of this practice just to remember him? If yes, the water is not cold enough. But don’t push yourself too hard, you might get pneumonia. A broken heart is more than enough.

WRITE LETTERS, one for him and one for the future you.  

On your letter to him,  say whatever you want to say. The more honest you are, the easier you free yourself. Now its your decision if you will send the letter or keep it (just a source of outlet).

The letter for yourself will require all the honesty from you. Remember, you can say all things to the people around you. They may believe you but you could never fool yourself. Give all the reasons why you won’t get back to that man. As angry as you could be, it doesn’t matter.  Keep this letter in case you feel doubtful.  Read the letter again but only when you are in doubt. Never read it again and again, the power of emotions might lose its magic if too exposed.

I only made the letter to him. That letter is enough for me to realize that getting back is like a big meteor falling on my world. It will never work.

-RE-CONNECT WITH FRIENDS. When a person is involved in a relationship, he/she loses an average of 2 to 3 friends. In my case, I lost my best friend, 1 very honest adviser, 3 of my closest friends, and the trust of all my classmates. Now I am enjoying the freedom to reconnect and make up for the lost times.

ORGANIZE A NEW SCHEDULE. Admit it, while in that relationship, you put so much time as you could. In my case, too much time. My previous schedule was: Mon-sat OUR TIME;  Sunday Family, self, and a little friends time. It was exhausting.

But now, Monday is me time, Tuesday is meeting up with a friend, Wednesday is jogging day, Thursday is family movie time, Friday is Party night, Saturday is friends reunion time, and Sunday is family time. It might be tiring, but in a good way. Not the way where the world revolved to only one person. Pity its a cheating person not worth of all that time.

-KEEP BUSY. An advise that never gets old, and really works. On my first days of being single, I let myself be lonely. Sometimes I tolerate misery so much that I don’t want to let it go. But between work, friends, family, and Facebook friends support, misery and I can’t be together long enough. Its kind of irritating when you can’t be alone to be lonely. If you are weird like me. 😀

-REVENGE? Let us be honest here. C’mon, people. You also thought about that. I thought this too. I will kill him, have him a bad life so he could suffer, throw bombs on his house while he is sleeping. I lay awake on my bed grinning and making evil laughs in my head. It was satisfying to think, but will eat your mind as time pass.

I was too angry and too honest that I asked my mom if she knew any black magic lady or dude so I could send that cheater in hell. I regret those words immediately. Knowing my mom, the saint of forgiveness, I know I’m in for the opposite force. She said:

If he cheated on you, do not take revenge. You are beautiful to be cheated on, he does not see your worth and looked for a lower being. If you want revenge, the greatest revenge is to move on. If you seek otherwise, you will not be at peace and will never move on.

This was the only time I asked for a question and got an advised instead. We live in harmony not minding each others problem and business. If we need help, we ask. This is by far the best advise from my mother. I felt tears roll down my face. I was so angry and my mother did not support me. But I knew she was right.

As a hardheaded daughter, I still plot my revenge. I spent my free time planning on bad things I know I am capable of. But as the days past, I felt two contradicting things. Whenever I think of positive things, like going out with my friends, planning a takeout for the family, I felt like floating, like things are back to normal. But as I plot my revenge, there was a huge imaginary metal ball placed on top of me. I sweat cold, shivers, and I felt dizzy. I lost appetite and was consumed by the other part of me.

That’s when I realized this part is not right. I am hurt, but doing something bad would make me an equal of the person I hate.

I was changed in that relationship, both bad and good. But revenge is like officially telling yourself that he did not just cheat on you, but owned you still.  It will not free you, trust me. Even if your plan works, your conscience will haunt you. And if doesn’t, you will not rest knowing you did not get even.

I have moved on but took lessons like my dear life depended on it. But the most important is to live by the moment. The things you regret are not the wrongs you’ve done, but the right things you should do but did not have the chance.

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