Love by the Book


A girl asked me if I read, which of course could have been answered by a sarcastic laugh and a long “Duuuuuhhhh?”

I stared at her before answering yes, trying to assess what kind of books she read. “Do you read John Green novels?”, bacause I hate John Green, I wanted to add.

“Oh gosh. I read Fault in our Stars and I wanted to throw the book”, she laughed. “Have you tried reading All the Bright Lights? It’s a very depressing book. I didn’t know what to expect, I caught myself wailing.”

“Yeah, I read something like that. 13 Reasons Why, sure let me dow– wait! You don’t know what to expect? Have you not read the plot?”, I cocked my head.

“No. I don’t read plots.”

WHAT?!

How could you let your emotion be surprised, be shocked with what’s about to happen? Are you even aware that you will invest in this, emotion, imagination, and probably the mood of your whole day? Just — how could you do that?

Aaand I stopped talking, warped inside my head with all these questions. Overthinking things, it’s a lot like love. Everything is a lot like love.

When you read the plot, analyzing the patterns and forming hypothesis on how the story will go, it gives you the chance – the option to decide whether you will give time of your future for this book or find a different one. And once you open the first page, you will begin to understand and anticipate the part that will unveil it all. That page that will make you whisper, “there it is! Ha!”, and will dig your nose closer to the book as the story guides you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love surprises. It’s like you walking at night in a dark street, you know your way and where to go, you just don’t know what’s in the next turn, what’s waiting at the end of the alleyway, the sounds you’ll hear nearby. It is exciting, hell it’s making me feel alive.

But do you not plan to know someone before you decide that you love them? That there are possible issues you need to know to prepare yourself, some are very serious that you have to make your faith stronger.

 

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Who am I to judge right? I loved you before I even knew your name.

 

 

Time Travel


I have never been to this place but I knew instantly where this is. I knew I have to find you.

So many boxes, so many things that people forget, so many things that people want to remember.

My vision is crystal clear though it shouldn’t be as this is not exactly real, or maybe it is: what is real?

People are lost with no idea why they’re here, but not me. I know – I felt where this is.

And there you are.

In your white uniform, thinner than I last remembered.

I don’t know how I look, if I look a lot like the me in this time or a lot different. You looked my way and had a sparkle of confusion in your eyes, ah – that answered my question.

“Hi”, I said. I long to kiss you, to rub your head the way you like it, but I don’t want to shock you.

“Hi baby, you look different”, you said reminding me of what lifetime this is.

“I am, I am from the future”. If you were another person, I would have laughed at how silly that is. But I’m with you, and I can’t help but sound sad.

You looked behind me and I turned around. There she is, the past me. Looking straight ahead, oblivious of what’s about to happen. I envy her sometimes.

“You know, we will be together”, I smiled. “Just wait for it, in a few months”, I winked.

You smirked, that smirk you only show me when you think I’m being cute but don’t want to say it. “But what about..”

“She’ll break it up first, don’t worry. In my lifetime we are all happy,” I lied.

The clock boomed so loud its deafening, yet only I can hear. “I have to go”, I touched your face. “And I will make you very happy in a few months”, I smiled as I let out a whimper. I hugged you before you could even see the tears, but you knew.

“I miss you..”, I whispered in your ear. But you’ll hurt me, babe. You’ll hurt me really bad  – is what I wanted to say. But time is ticking and I could only hug you tighter as I disappear.

Time Travel

 

Before I Go…


If you’re reading this, I made it through, I made it alive.

I am writing this on a swaying ship that was supposed to leave Abra de ilog (Mindoro Oriental) at 10pm, but left a little before midnight.

These are my thoughts as the large waves crashes to our ship, as everyone resorted to sleeping or pretending to sleep.

One baby started crying before we left the dock, I even said, “Oh baby, why are you crying? Don’t cry”. Not knowing a little while after, it might be an omen. I belive in those things. How could I not, the vehicle stopped and would not start seconds before my pet passed away while we rush her to the hospital. Now I’m screaming in my head, “please no, no” as the waves grow crazier. My ponytail broke.

I remember we were so pissed that the ship left at this time, we won’t have enough sleep to go to work as the sun rises. Now I’m worried if I will ever see the sun again.

A lady went down the ground floor where the vehicles were (were at the second level) and shrieked repeatedly. I could not understand what she was trying to say, but her repeated screams sent shivers to everyone. I grabbed my seatmate, a girl I only met 4 days ago as my close friend invited me to join their travel group. as she was the only one I could hang on to, she said it’s okay and held my hand as she goes to sleep, me pinching her everytime the ship makes a sound.

With everyone asleep, I resorted to think of something that will make me feel safer. I put on my headset and shuffle the songs, not caring if its My Chemical Romance, Maroon 5, or even Taylor Swift. Just something to take my mind off the sounds, the rattling windows, all the sleeping people. Why are they not afraid? Why did they decide to go to freaking sleep??

I grabbed my handbag, pulled my social security ID and secured it in my back pocket. Timing is a bitch, I’ll start my swimming lessons next month, there’s no life vest in sight. Might as well be recognized once my body floats.

Another bump. I don’t understand why ships encounter bumps, there are no humps here. For the many times I travelled across the many islands of the Philippines, this is the only trip I encountered bumps.

Please, God.

I do not plan to sleep once we made it home. I’m not sure if I will have sleep on the folloeing nights as well. I’m afraid of the future, what if I develop a phobia of something I like? I know I won’t even remember the exact events, but its the feelings that are hard to forget. I hope everytime I stepped in a ship, I won’t feel paranoid. I wish my future self will be much stronger.

But what I wish greatly is I to still have a future. The ship is rocking side to side now. I keep pulling my hair, tying it with another rubber band, and pulling it again. Signal is okay but I don’t want to tell my family, I don’t want to say goodbye.

I still hope I’ll make it. Even if the odds are saying otherwise.

The ocean is so majestic, it also is a beast ready to take anyone anytime.

If you’re reading this, I made it through. I made it alive.

 

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2015: I’m Glad It Is Over


Every year is like a new chapter of a book – your life. Sometimes it can be personified as one of your friends, the reliable one or your fr-enemy, it’s up to you.

For me, it’s that one person who made you question your friendship. This was a bad year. How bad? Really really bad.

2015 is the year I cut my long lively hair because I was broken hearted over a facebook post. I knew adding him as a friend is not a good idea.

This is a year that I thought would be my last. I’ve hit depression so low I’ve barricaded myself from all my friends. It was the not usual seasonal kind of sad, nor the teenage rebellious phase, it was real.

I’ve never been so emotionless, so tired. Even the things I loved no longer appeals to me. I can’t read, I can’t eat, I stuffed myself of sleeping pills everyday.

I made excuses not to meet friends, I also made excuses not to have lunch at work. I despised human interaction.

I started asking myself, “What’s the point of all of this?”. I asked internet forums, I even registered to an online counselling. No one can answer me.

It changed one morning as I am taking a bath when I discovered something different. I had a pea sized lump in my right breast.

It surprised me that I did not feel any concern on this new discovery. As any matured adult would do, I went to see our office doctor for a consultation.

Nothing major, maybe I scratched it while I was sleeping. No surprise there, I almost always wake up with new scratch wound anyway.

Few weeks had passed and the lump was getting bigger, swollen, and it started to hurt.

I visited the doctor again and the first thing she asked me was, “do you have a history of breast cancer?”.

I said no, not that I know of.

She endorsed me to see a gynecologist, which in turn endorsed me to have a breast ultrasound. At this point, I can no longer walk for a long time without catching my breath. I completely lost appetite, I was just really tired.

The ultrasound technician (if that’s the right term) was a little bitchy, excuse my french. The first thing she said was, “get your hands up over your head”, I did so and she acted like I am wasting my time.

She stopped and looked at me.

“Do you have a history of breast cancer?”, she asked. I did not answer, this is serious.

“Okay, we’re going to get through this. It will be okay,” a sudden change of attitude? This is really serious.

She then proceeds to show me the monitor. “There are a lot of cysts here, and here, and here..”, her mouse clicking very fast.

“Okay. let’s have the other one.” I thought only the right one. “If the other one is infected, this one is also infected.”

True enough, there were another batch of mouse clicking for the left one. Though it did not swell, it had a lot of cyst inside.

“You will have to come back for another consultation. I will look into this thoroughly, don’t worry”, she said as she closed the door.

I was heavily medicated for the following months. I did not cancel my plans to go out of town on my birthday. I could not travel long enough as  was tired. My friends carry my luggage and was very understanding that I could not participate in any strenuous activities.

My symptoms was that of IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer), it was an aggressive type of cancer that tends to grow and spread quickly in a matter of hours or weeks. You can read more about it here.

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The medication seems to have an effect and I was getting better. I took it as a sign of second chance in life, though I can honestly tell that some days I wanted it to be my escape.

I went home from work one night and saw our youngest dog, Lavagurr, on the floor. Though the other 3 dogs greeted me with the usual high energy, she just bobbed her head and ignore me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She smells terrible. I asked my younger sister to talk to our neighbor to hire his cab to the animal clinic. The fastest he would be back is 7:30pm. It’s already 6:15pm. I declined, I need to be there immediately.

I called her again, she seems to be catching her breath. She’s in pain. I caress her head and told her I’m here.

She stood up, placed her head on my hand for a moment, then walked on the farthest corner of the room.

My mother arrived then, we rushed her to the animal clinic immediately. We could not find a cab as it was rush hour, we had no choice but to ride on a jeepney instead.

There was a point on the way that the vehicle stopped and would not start.As a girl who loves fiction, I’ve read about this kinds of omen a hundred times, yet I refuse to believe it.

We ran and placed her on the steel table. The nurse immediately said, “Ma’am, she’s gone”. He poked her eyes to prove that there’s no life in them.

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I sat down and cried. It’s really different when someone told you it’s gone. It was weird, like a joke gone horribly wrong.
We picked a spot  near the river to bury her. It still felt weird. How could this stiff sticky object be my furry baby a while ago?

I could not move, I could not stop my tears. I felt paralyzed as my mother dig up the dirt for her resting place. I can’t do anything.

We arranged stones to cover her spot, said goodbye and never looked back.

 

One friend told me that a pet dies to save its owner. I do not know how great of a saving I am that my baby have to die.

 

These things brought too much of sadness for this year. The amount of good things that happened cannot surpass the level of sorrow these events have caused.

And I’m glad it will be over.

 

On Christmas day, I received a message I’ve been waiting years to receive:

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I felt free of all the hatred I felt before, I felt all the sadness have ended at that moment and things will be okay again.

The only thought that keeps me going today is: it must be one hell of a bright future to be going through a lot of heartaches.

The Day I Dreamed About You


I woke up with a familiar seed of hope, confused, as I am sure I buried our memories deep enough to not give me this false expectation.

After a long time, you were in my dream again.

……

They are going to take me. I waited a long time for this dream to happen again as I declined twice, hesitatant that I am not to leave the waking world yet.

They are getting impatient, they are determined that this time I will go with them willingly.

They are calling me. But before I feel the overwhelming peace I felt upon entering their circle the last time, you showed up.

“I’m going”, I told you with a smile on my face. I cannot bear the pain in the waking world anymore.

“Don’t leave, talk to me..”, your eyes begging me.

Though I wish to go as fast as I could, I sit down. For the last goodbye, I thought.

“It’s too late, I’m coming with th–”

“I was in love with you for 4 weeks, you know..”, like a sudden storm you brought this up.

I can feel the regret, the lingering stares we had, the heartache of realizing it will not progress as I hope it would. I remember thinking of the days where the only thing I want the most is to hold your hand.

“I was in love with you for over a year..”, I finally admitted. Oh, how much I wanted you to know. “Since the first time I saw you.”

There it is again, those eyes trying to read me. And my eyes looking back trying to decode what is going on inside your head.

Why are we talking about this now? Are we going to blame each other for a feeling that neither of us had a courage to admit?

I see them behind you, signaling that it’s time.

“I have to go..”, I stand up wishing I had a chance to hug you in real life.

I never thought such conversation will be painful, even in dreams. But this is the last heartache, I’m glad it was you that I share it with. Someone I never had.

“Don’t.”, you stood up.

“I have to..”, taking my first step.

You lean closer. “For me.. Please, wake up..”

I woke up with a familiar seed of hope, confused, as I am sure I buried our memories deep enough to not give me this false expectation.

After a long time, you were in my dream again.

 

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This Kind of Kiss


It was not the kiss I wanted, but the kiss I know I deserve.

It was slow. Like we’ve waited for this our whole life, every second shall be savored. Every move of your lips whispering, “it’s okay, no need to rush, I’m not going away.”

It was lovely, magical. Your hand holding my face tenderly while mine rests on your chest, trembling.

You kissed me. Stopped. Kissed me. Stopped. You are teaching my heart to breathe. But I am afraid.

It was the kind of kiss happy for this moment. The kiss not rushing to go where others are eager to explore.

No. It was taking its time. It was savoring all of me, my lips, my spirit, my soul.

It was the kind of kiss I’ve been waiting for.

It was the kind of kiss so wonderful, tears came running down my cheeks.

You stopped and wiped it away. “I’ve waited a long time for you.”, you smiled.

I kissed you as if to say, “I know. I know what you mean.”

I woke up with no one beside me. I tried to get up..

I woke up with my alarm buzzing. No one beside me but a full bloom of hope in my heart.

I will find  you.

This time I will never let you go.

Wait for me.

I Don’t Want the D


No, not that D.

D as in depression.

It feeds every one. Rich or poor, adult or teen. Even the happiest person you see. It picks anyone it can.

Unlike most people, it does not feel like another person is inside you wanting to go out, No.

It feels like nothing is inside you anymore.

You can’t feel anything, can’t be excited about anything. You once cared so much, but now, you just don’t give the slightest damn about anything.

The things that made you feel happy, things that make you excited, things that you crave, all of these things don’t have an impact with you anymore. They are just things meant for other people. The ones that don’t understand there is no point to it all.

Hours go by like a torture, you just want it all to stop. You can’t take the feeling of not feeling at all.

I don’t want this D.

But it found me and it won’t go away.

I often find myself staring at the blue-green veins on my wrist. Tracing it carefully, pinning the thickest one with my fingers and taking in a deep breath.

I never wanted this D.

I tried to sleep it off. Taking sleeping pills by pairs, then more and more everyday. No matter how many I take, I still wake up.

I never wanted this D.

I just want it to end.

Depression

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